Moving on…

 

 

Well honestly I would have liked to have done several more of the survey’s before I jumped to a blog like this, but unfortunately, I don’ t have time for that these days and I desperately need to post a blog of value. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m female, married, I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old, and I am currently in the associate registered nurse program at a local community college. Oh and my husband and I are both 30 years old. Ok now that we have that all out of the way (and hopefully I haven’t revealed too much about myself in a way that makes it easy for some individuals to pinpoint who I really am), time for a real post.

I stared the RN program three weeks ago….well actually four weeks ago since tomorrow starts our fourth week. Anyway, when I started the program I was pumped. I was so excited to be in there and to be preparing myself for becoming a nurse. I read all the chapters, paid attention in class, took notes, etc. I didn’t, however, practice the NCLEX style questions provided for us since I had no idea how our first exam would be. I also felt like I was an “in the middle” student and by that I mean, I knew of students who weren’t doing any reading at all for the weeks prior to the fist exam, but who crammed in as many NCLEX style questions the night before the exam as they could, and I knew of students who seemed to be doing much more than I was in terms of studying (reading more chapters and all the extra books we bought, reviewing videos and the NCLEX style questions, etc). Knowing all of this worried me. The day of our first exam I was scared to death but I just knew I was going to get at least a 77 and avoid remediation. At the end of the exam I had a 76. I was devastated and angry. After reviewing my exam, I found that one question was saying that I had picked an answer I didn’t pick. We used laptops to take the exam and were informed that the touch pads were very sensitive so to make sure when we were ready to move on to the next question that we had THE answer we wanted selected because we couldn’t go back and change it after the fact. I was careful and watched each answer. But apparently one got past me and as I moved on to the next question, my laptop changed the answer I had and thereby, cost me two points on my first exam. I should have gotten a 78 and not had to do remediation (remediation is more work on top of the regular work), and instead I got a 76. This was just a few days ago. Since then, my drive and excitement about this program has been squashed. I can’t find the desire to do every bit of homework that I should be doing. In fact I’m lucky if I study for two hours a day anymore, whereas in previous semesters I studied six hours a day or more. I feel as though I’m not learning anything and I am scared stiff of what will become of me as the weeks go on this semester. I wonder if I am capable of becoming a nurse….if my family and I will ever be able to live our dreams and have some financial freedom because of this whole mess……..my mind is constantly racing with thoughts. I don’t even know how to study at this point. I found out that out of a class of 46, somewhere around 8 of us scored less than a 77 on the first exam. And of all the people I have spoken to who scored a 77 or above, none of them have made less than an 80. And even worse, the majority of them are the students who didn’t pick up a single book or study at all until the night before the exam. This entire scenario scares me and worries me. What if I don’t make it?

More questions….I’m still not comfortable with you

 

Since it appears that I still don’t have any readers for my blog, and since it’s quite late at night, and since I want to post another blog but I’m not yet ready to post a “real” blog post, I’m answering more random questions about myself. Let’s go:

• When did you first find out that you’d be a parent? How did you feel?

I found out that I was going to be a parent when I was 18 years old. I was scared to death because I was still in high school so I had no idea how my parents would react. Thankfully, after a few uphill battles on my part, my parents were extremely accepting of my “news” and I can’t picture my life without either of my children.

• Can you describe the moment when you saw your child for the first time?

The first time I saw my oldest son was incredible. I finally knew what love really was. I knew I would do anything to protect him and care for him. The first time I saw my youngest son I was somewhat scared but overall I was relieved. He was born early so the fear of complications was strong but the entire time I had a feeling things would be fine with him. I was relieved to find out he was completely healthy and fine.

• How has being a parent changed you?

Being a parent has made me much more willing to speak my mind when I feel it is necessary. It has made me braver. I care a little less about what other people think of me in order to care for my children in the best way possible. I have found myself successfully doing the things I said I would never do as a parent and at the same time, failing miserably at the same task. Before I had kids, I felt like I had no reason to be on this planet and after having children, they are the reason I get out of bed every morning and do what I do each day. They’re the reason I’m in college and the reason I’m still on this earth today. They motivate me to better myself and do good things. They motivate me to be a good person and the best mother on the planet.

• What are your dreams for your children?

My dreams for my oldest son are that he will decide he wants to come live at home again….soon. That I will be able to pay for everything he needs in his life once I am fully out of college. That he will not worry about girlfriends until he is out of high school and that once he’s in college he only dates casually (and uses protection should he decide to take on that “recreational activity”). That he never use drugs and doesn’t drink until he’s 21. That he focuses on college and himself until he is at least 25 years old, if not 30. Overall, though, I want him to be happy and a good man. That’s my true dream for him. For my youngest son, my dream for him is good health. That he keep the personality he has right now (with some fine tuning) and make something of himself one day. That he be able to always be as happy as he is right now and always be able to make people laugh like he does now. I hope he too focuses on himself and school until he is out of high school, and that he too takes the same route with college, drugs, drinking, and girlfriends as I have dreamed for his brother. And again, overall, I just want him to be happy and healthy.

• Do you remember when your last child left home for good?

I shouldn’t have to answer this question because my oldest son isn’t near 18 yet, but yet, he has left home….perhaps not for good, but to me it might as well be. I do remember. We went to court, he went home with his father, a few days later we got the decision, I didn’t see him for over  a week thanks to his father, and now I get him every other weekend and other set times throughout the year. His father has been hell to deal with and the entire situation has changed me, scared me, makes me sick. I just keep praying that he’ll come back to me and leave his father forever. That he’ll see how his father really is and how his father’s girlfriend really is and that I love him more than I can ever tell or show him and that him not being here everyday with me is killing me. I want him to want to be here with me and not with his father.

• Do you have any favorite stories about your kids?

Oh I have plenty…..however I have to keep those to myself, for privacy reasons. (I know it sounds outrageous but it’s true.)

Well, I believe that is all I have for tonight. It is well past my bedtime but I have several more things I need to do before I head to bed, so for now, this is it. Hopefully I will have time this week to post another blog, but right now it appears my week may be too busy to allow for it. We shall see I guess

Introduction, Take 2

I’m back. I couldn’t resist more of these questions. Besides, I’m in the final two weeks of this semester of college, homework is dwindling down (I should really probably be using this time to study for finals huh?), and I’m bored. Here we go:

• If you could interview anyone from your life living or dead, but not a celebrity, who would it be and why?

My brother. Technically, he’s not from my life, but he didn’t get the chance to be in my life. My brother was born in 1975 and five years later he died of Reye’s Syndrome. A year and a half after he died, I was born. I would love to have known him.

• Where did you grow up?

I’m not going to give the exact location or area, or even the state. I have good reason for this, and surprisingly, it’s not that I’m afraid of internet stalkers or the like. All I’ll say is I have two enemies in my life and I’d rather they not know that this is my blog. And no, my name is not Topanga Matthews. I will, however say, that I am from a very small town in the eastern part of the US. Some say a Southern state. Until this year, I was quite proud of where I am from. But after losing my son in court and being subjected to “local law,” I loathe my hometown and county and it is my dream to free myself from this place and spare my youngest child a life of turmoil here.

• What was your childhood like?

If you had asked me this as a child, I would have told you that it was awful and I swear I’m adopted. And by the time I was a teenager I would have told you I just want to get away from my parents and have some privacy and freedom. Looking back, I know I didn’t have the worst childhood on the planet, and up until this year, I even thought my parents had done quite well and was grateful for my upbringing. Sure, there were times we did without and didn’t get to do what everybody else was doing, but overall, not bad. However, after this year, I can’t help but wonder if my parents didn’t greatly hinder me as a child, thus hindering me as a parent today. My reason for this lays in reasons why the judge took my son from me. What I thought was acceptable, he didn’t seem to agree with. What I thought was no big deal, he didn’t seem to see the same way. Deep down I know I did nothing wrong (and neither did my parents), but having that fate for your child in court will make you question everything.

• Who were your favorite relatives?

At one time in my life I could have answered this question, but these days, now that I’m older, I really can’t. I have some cousins that are more like siblings than cousins to me, I have an aunt or two who I love more than others, and I even have an aunt and uncle out of state who I adore and enjoy talking to but don’t see too often. I even have one cousin who my husband and I have spent a great deal of time with in the last few years and have grown quite close to. But overall, I don’t really have any favorites. Sure, I have some I’d pick over others, but once it was down to that group, I couldn’t pick one over the other I don’t think.

• Do you remember any of the stories they used to tell you?

I remember my aunts and uncles telling stories on my mom and dad. The lies my cousins have told me to scare me. Stories told of when we were little. Other than that, no.

• What were your parents like?

Well my parents are still alive (although at times they may wish they weren’t) so that should be “what ARE” instead of “what WERE.” My mother is very hypocritical. She cares entirely too much what other people think of her and her family, so much so that she has denied me more than once in my life, the right to voice my opinion to people about what they’re doing/saying/etc. She’s also punished me at least once for the same offense. My mom is quite lazy in most senses. She’ll clean her house, help her sisters, nieces, and nephews with anything they need help with, and most times will help my sister and I. However, anytime it involves anyone other than those people, or something she is not interested in, she will find a way to say it’s essentially more trouble than it’s worth, and that is that. Example: I never had a birthday party because “no one would be able to come” (because my birthday is very close to a holiday). Now she convinces me not to throw parties for my children by saying “you don’t want to deal with all those kids” or “you’ll have all that mess to clean up.” My mother was a stay-at-home mom my entire life and still is. My dad wanted her to be and so she was. But because of it, we were deprived of a lot. My father is very hard working and owns his own business and has for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, owning his 0wn business meant not  much money growing up, and therefore, more deprivation. Who knew that having a dog or a pool was such a sin for a child?! Overall, my parents are good people and most times they do the best they can. But they are old fashioned and failed to see that as kids, they weren’t treating us like they should and depriving us of much happiness, me especially due to the fact that I was born so soon after my brother’s death. Even now they don’t see things as they should and choose the “easy” route over the “hard” route, which has caused me to appear to be a lazy person my entire life, when in reality, I’m not. I just let my parents get into my head and talk me out of pretty much everything I want. Like my dream of moving to FL and working at Sea World. They told me I couldn’t do that for two reasons: 1) I couldn’t swim and 2) I couldn’t stay away from home for a whole night before I wanted to come home (god forbid a child have separation anxiety). Needless to say, I strive daily to be NOTHING like my parents when parenting my children, although some days it is easier said than done.

• What were your grandparents like?

Like I said earlier, I never met either grandfather, but I do remember my grandmothers. My mom’s mother, my Granny, was probably a typical “hillbilly” old woman. She had no teeth and chewed tobacco. I can remember her spitting off the porch, spitting into a coffee can full of paper towels, and even packing a wad of paper towels around in her pockets to spit into. She didn’t own a car or drive and her house was a simple square house with two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room. The bathroom was added on a few years before I was born and my mother was actually born in that house. My cousin lives there now. For the longest time I remember my Granny having long hair that she wore in braids. She had Indian blood in her (supposedly Cherokee) and she sure did show it. I remember the day my mom and her sisters cut those braids off, wrapped them up and kept them, and took her to the beauty shop to get the rest of her hair cut off and permed (like the typical old women of the area). Granny had a very large hairy mole right in the middle of her upper lip. Right between the lip and nose in that little crevice. We always dreaded kissing her because she kept the hair on it cut off as close as possible and it would poke us when we kissed her. But oh how I loved my Granny. My dad’s mother, my Granny M, wasn’t my favorite. I loved her but not as much as I did Granny. I remember when Granny M lived in her house just barely and even more so I remember when my dad and his brothers and sister moved her to an apartment and how we spent many nights there on her hide-a-bed with my parents. I remember when she got sick the first time and them putting her into a nursing home and how she went from a very stout, big boned, and solid 6ft woman, to a very skinny, weak and frail woman in a nursing home, with one side paralyzed and no way to speak words we could understand. She was in the nursing homes for a few years before she finally died. I swear she starved herself to death.

 

Well, I guess that’s enough for tonight. Some of my answers here were a bit longer than I expected (can you tell I have some pet peeves/issues?!  Besides that, my son and my husband have gone to bed and tomorrow is Thanksgiving so we have to get up somewhat early in order to get ready to go to my aunt’s house for lunch (known as dinner here). Hopefully if anyone at all reads my blogs, they’ll find them entertaining and not boring. I think I might blow up if I found out my blogs are boring….because then I’d either have to save a whole lotta word files for my sake or start handwriting a diary and neither one appeals to me

I always find introductions awkward…

Well the title says it all. I find introductions awkward. Always. So much so that I come off as rude most times, I’m sure, when I fail to introduce my husband, friends, or family to one another when I know they have never “officially” met. I avoid anything that makes my blood pressure rise in most instances and introductions are one of those things. SO, to make my introduction to any blog readers I might be fortunate enough to have, I’ve decided to use one of those cheesy questionnaires like you find on MySpace or Facebook. Yes, as I said they’re cheesy, but the reality of it is, they do help you learn a few things about people whether they’re your best friend or a total stranger. So here we go:

• What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?

I have several happiest moments in my life. By far, the happiest two are the birth of my two sons. A close second is the day I married my husband and all of the “milestones” of our relationship. And third would be being accepted into the nursing program at my college and a few other “milestones” I’ve accomplished in my one year as a college student.

The saddest moment of my life is easy. There are two. Number 1 without question is the day I lost primary custody of my oldest son in court to his father for no good reason. Number 2 is the day my oldest son and I witnessed our beloved dog get run over by a truck. Needless to say, he didn’t make it. Some may say I’m heartless for not including things like the passing away of relatives, but I don’t think it’s heartless to say seeing my dog die is sadder than not witnessing my relatives die. Don’t get me wrong, it is quite a sad ordeal to have a relative pass away, however, hearing someone else say they passed, verses seeing them die are two very different situations indeed.

• Who was the most important person in your life? Can you tell me about him or her?

I don’t know that prior to having children there was ever anyone in my life, aside from my parents, who were important to me. At least not in the sense of shaping who I became or influencing me even now or anything like that. Probably as close as they come would be my second cousin but today he isn’t as important to me as he once was. Since having children, it is obvious that they are the most important people in my life now. Everything I do is for them and the love I have for them is more than I can describe. My oldest son is a kind soul. Very polite and mature. Always thinking of other people and very quite at times. My youngest son is a firecracker and has been since before he was born. He loves to dance and entertain (even if he is only 2) and loves to be the center of attention (again, that has been the case since before birth). He has a tender heart but doesn’t always show it. Always all boy and not a care in the world what anyone else thinks. The two of them together can, at times, be more than I can handle but I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are my world. My reason for living. I cannot imagine my life without them and each day I strive to better myself for their sake.

• Who has been the biggest influence on your life? What lessons did that person teach you?

There are several people who have influenced my life. But none of them, aside from my children, to the point that I have changed who I am or became who I am because of. My parents have had that affect in many ways, however, there are a lot of ways they have influenced me that they aren’t even aware of and that they would probably not be proud of if they knew. My husband has probably influenced me more than anyone (aside from my boys and parents) in a positive manner. He has his flaws as most people do, and his mother didn’t always raise him right, or in ways I approve of, but despite it all, he has some qualities about him that are highly respectable and his personality it such that he has helped me to make many major changes in my life.

• Who has been the kindest to you in your life?

My parents have always been the kindest people to me in my life. I know that may seem like a given (and even quite possibly surprising considering what I said about them often times having a negative influence on me) but hands down they have been. When I got pregnant at a young age, they showed more love to me than ever before and were surprisingly very accepting of it. They helped me raise my son when my husband at the time (ex-husband now) wouldn’t. When my ex-husband and I got married, they paid for a great deal of things from the wedding to our home. When I decided that after 6+ years of marriage to my ex-husband I was done and ready for a divorce, they never questioned it or said a word. They accepted it and did what they had to in order to help me get my life in order. And since that time, since meeting my husband now, since having my second child, my parents have given me more money than they should ever have to in order to help us survive, to help us see my oldest son, to help us fight in court, for school, etc. My parents have been so kind to me in fact, that I can’t help but feel that they’re in short supply of kindness for me here lately and that I have got to do something to pay them back and never need their kindness again, but instead, show them the same kindness they have shown me.

• It’s been said that after they pass away, the most important people in our lives “live within us.” Is there anyone from your past that lives within you?

I never met my grandfathers, and both of my grandmothers died before I got out of elementary school. The aunt and uncle who have passed away in recent years, I wasn’t close to. I have a cousin who drowned at a young age, when she was only four years older than me and whom I was very close to, but even she doesn’t live within me. In fact, I don’t know that I know anyone who has passed away in my lifetime who I was so close to or that I felt was so important to me that they now “live within me.”  I guess in some ways my dad’s mother does, in that she was in a nursing home when she died and I always hated the nursing home. However, now, I find myself about to start working in one and looking forward to it, yet always being reminded of her when I’m there with residents. She is my influence for doing my job right and doing it to the best of my ability because I know what it’s like to have a relative in a nursing home and to feel like they aren’t being cared for properly. To wonder what is going on in her head since she can’t tell us herself. What she sees that we don’t. For her, in her memory and in her honor, I will be the best CNA I can be and hopefully, the best CNA my employer has ever had.

• What are the most important lessons you’ve learned in life?

Do not take anything for granted. Be grateful for what you have. Count your blessings and give thanks to God for each one. Never do or not do anything you think you will regret. Don’t try to relive the past. Everything happens for a reason. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t count on your friends or let your friendship with them control your every move. Count on your family and tell them you love them. Always strive to be the person you always dreamed of being. Don’t tell lies, always be honest. Don’t ever feel like your life is flashing before your eyes or that you need to rush into something; always take things slowly. Over think everything, otherwise you may under think it. Don’t be too confident, don’t be conceited. Nice people always get the shaft. Love is nothing like the movies. We live in a society that makes technology ok when its not always ok. Reading a book will always beat reading it on any electronic device. Don’t ever think “that won’t happen to me.” This list could go on and on and on. I’m only 30 but trust me, I’ve got a lot of wisdom in this head of mine.

• What is your earliest memory?

Despite what my general psychology teacher, and several other people, have told me about this not being possible, I do remember my first birthday. I remember the only people there were my mom, me, and this teenage girl who lived next door and used to spend a lot of time with us (she’s a good friend of the family even now). I remember that girl coming into our house that day with a ski mask on and scaring the bejesus out of me, so she had to go back into the hallway and take it off before coming out to see me. I remember sitting in my high chair in the kitchen with the cake on the tray. That’s really all I remember about it, but I do remember it. I have always had an excellent “snapshot” memory, so much so that a good friend of mine will call me to ask me things he can’t remember but knows I will. I have no doubt that my first birthday is my first memory, and that it very well is the reason I resent my parents to this day for never giving me a proper birthday party my entire 18 years with them.

• Are there any words of wisdom you’d like to pass along to me?

You can’t make everybody happy, so just make yourself happy. Don’t worry too much about what other people think; most times they’re just jealous anyway. Don’t envy anyone because you never know what’s going on in their life or how they got what it is you envy. Again, this could go on all day.

• What are you proudest of in your life?

I am proudest of my children. Where my husband and I have gotten ourselves in the past two years (albeit not the best of situations and we have had  a little help here and there, but overall, we’re where we’re at because of us and we have goals we are achieving). Also, being a college student, how hard I have worked in college to get to where I’m at and where I’ll be, my goals for myself with college, getting state certified as a CNA and actually getting a job as a CNA before I was state certified, and getting accepted into the nursing program at my college, which is the second step of a very long ladder I am climbing to get to where I want to be in life.

• When in life have you felt most alone?

I felt alone for the biggest part of my adolescence. I was a very depressed and emotional teenager. After high school, however, I never felt alone again until I realized how unhappy I was in my marriage to my ex-husband. And of course, once he moved out I felt very alone, but in an entirely different sense than I had ever experienced. I do know I don’t like to be alone for more than a few hours, a day at most, at all. My husband went back to his hometown for a weekend while our son and I stayed home so I could do homework, and for that entire weekend I could not function. The first few hours after he left and even that night I was fine, but the next day I started to fall apart and by the time he actually got home I had started to feel like I was going insane.

• How has your life been different than what you’d imagined?

In many ways. I never thought I’d be pregnant when I was 18 years old and senior in high school. That I’d try to commit suicide. That I’d be engaged before I graduated high school AND be pregnant. That I’d be married two months after I graduated high school and that I’d be pregnant at my wedding. That I’d live in a mobile home. That I’d be divorced and remarry. That I’d give college a second shot at age 28. That I’d decide after one semester of college to take on a major that requires 7+  years of school, thus forcing me to not even start my career until I am AT LEAST 37. That I would have a child that was premature. That I’d be married to a man like my husband. That I would meet my husband online. That my entire in-law family would live four hours from my husband and our family. There’s a lot of shocking moments in my life that I never expected or “planned” for. Thus my advice of “never say that won’t happen to me.”

• How would you like to be remembered?

Determined. Intelligent. Kind. Sweet. Someone with a big heart. Giving. Loving. Someone who doesn’t take crap from anyone and will tell you what they think (which I have the first half down, still working on the second half). An excellent mother. A great wife. One of the best nurse anesthetists in the nation. This is another one of those categories that could take all day really.

• Do you have any regrets?

The only things I regret in my life is trying to kill myself. I realize now what all could have gone wrong with that attempt and how selfish it was, despite my belief for years that I did it because I was thinking of everyone but myself rather than myself. I also realize that even when you think things are at their absolute worst, things will always get better (that light at the end of the tunnel). I regret this for several other reasons, but I can’t really get into all of that at this time. Also, I regret that I didn’t quit smoking when I was pregnant with my second child. Yes, trust me, I know how that makes me look. I know why I didn’t quit and I will regret it for the rest of my life, every time I look at my youngest son.

• What does your future hold?

Hopefully, nothing but good things. A marriage that is spectacular. A trustworthy, honest, helpful, kind, faithful husband. A Christian family. Two children (possibly three) who are very well behaved and extremely happy with good heads on their shoulders and who have their priorities in order. A career in Tennessee as a CRNA. The home of our dreams. The horses and dogs we’ve dreamed of having. The money to do the things we enjoy doing and still have plenty to save and even some to give away. Charity work. Lots of charity work. Lots of family times. Lots of good memories.

Well, that’s all of that survey. I have some others picked out to use as well, but I feel like this one took long enough to fill out and I have other things to do, so perhaps shortly I will be able to do another one. I want you readers to know as much as possible about me without actually having to tell you myself, because when I tell the story of my life, it tends to be quite boring, and so, questions like these keep it focused and a little more interesting

And in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m 29, I’m in my second marriage (hopefully my last; the first one was just practice for this one), I’m in college and will be starting the nursing program soon, I have a job as a CNA in a nursing home (however I haven’t actually started that job yet), I have two children (both boys), I’m bitter toward my parents and childhood, my marriage isn’t perfect (but better than you might think), I’ve made mistakes in my life but for the most part, I’ve learned how to be happy with them (since I don’t believe in accidents), and my children are without a doubt the most important people in my life. They influence more than anyone else ever has or ever will. And my husband has helped me make changes in my life over the last few years that I never expected to make.